seductive silent wine...

I made the best dinner tonight! Tacos with homemade seasoning and Spanish rice... it was delicious! J loved it and said that it needs to be a dinner staple from now on... lol! I had a better day than yesterday. K slept until 10am (!!!) and took a nap from 4-5:30. J doesn't have to stay late at work anymore (Somebody high up found out that they were making everyone stay late and put an end to it!), so he was happy about that. Details are still sketchy on our move... but that doesn't surprise me!

I find that I'm having more up days than before. Is PPD finally starting to let up? I hope so! J and I want to have our children close together (if I got pregnant this month, I would be due in late September or early October... it would make K just under 2 years old, which I think is a good age for a sibling!). All of my sisters and I are 2.5 years apart from each other, and it worked out so well. I'm scared that when we have another baby I will have to go through all of this again.... I have an increased risk of having it again... but we'll see! We want to have another baby sooner rather than later, so I really want to just GET OVER IT. Easier said than done, lol.

I'm knitting a blanket for K and it is turning out beautifully! It is pink and soo soft. I think in the middle of it I'm going to stitch a K in it. I'm so excited... this is the biggest project I've ever worked on! And I'm working with bamboo knitting needles, which makes it THAT much cooler. Haha!

K has learned how to say "hello"... except she can't get the 'L' sound down, so it comes out "herro".... it's funny! My sister wants me to teach her how to say "pwned!" but when she tries, it comes out as "boo" lol. I've been patiently waiting for her to start walking, but it hasn't happened yet *sigh*. She's 14 months now, and I'm starting to worry. She was late crawling (9/10 months) so it's kind of expected that she would be a little late with walking, but she hasn't even taken her first steps yet. I'm worrying that she is delayed because there was a very minute possibility that her jaundice damaged her hearing/brain when she was a few days old.... I'm worrying over nothing, but still.

Okay... I need to shower and get to bed!

Gaaaaaaaah! It is 2:15am and I can't sleep. I'm tired but I can't get my brain to shut up! I can't wait until we leave this place so we can have some normal daylight hours and my body can readjust. I know that's not the only thing causing my insomnia... but it will definitely help! I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I just want one week of feeling like my old self again. No amount of medication seems to be able to do that, though... isn't the Zoloft commercial the one that shows the circle with the missing piece? And in the end, the piece isn't missing anymore? I feel like my piece is gone and I can't find it. This has been going on for well over a year now- when is it going to stop? I thought postpartum depression went away within the first year.... at least that's what the doctors have all told me. What happens if I still feel like I'm drowning? I just want to go through one day without feeling like I want to break down into tears and I'm not sure what for. I hate feeling like this... I hate feeling so alien. This is not me. This is not Heather. Heather is happy and vivacious and loving. Not angry and tired.

I hate the stigma that is attached to postpartum depression. Some women with extreme PPD have what is called "postpartum psychosis"- this is the type of illness that makes women try to kill themselves or their babies. However, we are not all like that. My depression is considered "severe" since it has gone on this long, but I have never, ever thought of hurting K. I am not a bad mother. I do not neglect her, nor do I abuse her. But the chemical imbalance from pregnancy and delivery has really affected me. It makes me feel sad (which in turn makes me mad, since I can't seem to shake it).

I have talked more about PPD than ever before. I needed to get that off of my chest. I guess that's the point of a blog, right? It's embarrassing to talk about in real life (that stupid stigma).... but I really do need to talk about it, to expose my feelings about it, in order to start healing.