Friday, January 2, 2009

PPD & insomnia

Gaaaaaaaah! It is 2:15am and I can't sleep. I'm tired but I can't get my brain to shut up! I can't wait until we leave this place so we can have some normal daylight hours and my body can readjust. I know that's not the only thing causing my insomnia... but it will definitely help! I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I just want one week of feeling like my old self again. No amount of medication seems to be able to do that, though... isn't the Zoloft commercial the one that shows the circle with the missing piece? And in the end, the piece isn't missing anymore? I feel like my piece is gone and I can't find it. This has been going on for well over a year now- when is it going to stop? I thought postpartum depression went away within the first year.... at least that's what the doctors have all told me. What happens if I still feel like I'm drowning? I just want to go through one day without feeling like I want to break down into tears and I'm not sure what for. I hate feeling like this... I hate feeling so alien. This is not me. This is not Heather. Heather is happy and vivacious and loving. Not angry and tired.

I hate the stigma that is attached to postpartum depression. Some women with extreme PPD have what is called "postpartum psychosis"- this is the type of illness that makes women try to kill themselves or their babies. However, we are not all like that. My depression is considered "severe" since it has gone on this long, but I have never, ever thought of hurting K. I am not a bad mother. I do not neglect her, nor do I abuse her. But the chemical imbalance from pregnancy and delivery has really affected me. It makes me feel sad (which in turn makes me mad, since I can't seem to shake it).

I have talked more about PPD than ever before. I needed to get that off of my chest. I guess that's the point of a blog, right? It's embarrassing to talk about in real life (that stupid stigma).... but I really do need to talk about it, to expose my feelings about it, in order to start healing.


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